This Christmas

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A couple of weeks ago, my pastor asked me, “what more is it going to take,” as I wallowed in my own self pity and could not see light from the darkness that surrounded me. This past whole week I have been pondering joy. What it means to me. How I can obtain it. When it happens. How does it feel. What does it do to me inside of my body. 

JOY!

I started searching. I typed in joy. I came by Anais Nin’s quote, “A leaf fluttered into the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.” Then JOY hit me. You know…those moments of joy I only saw in picture snaps or vague memories? That is joy. Joy is experienced in the moment I take notice. I catch myself feeling joy all the time, especially lately. Joy was in the movements I expressed in dance at my work’s holiday party. Joy was in my laughter hearing my son laugh at my off-pitched singing in the car. Joy was in my soul as I recognized it in many occasions  You have to catch joy off guard. You’ll experience the joy of seeing life in that present moment. Yes, there is joy sometimes fleeting too. You might be experiencing joy in the cup of coffee I might be drinking until someone interrupts that quiet moment I was having. Joy has gotten into my soul. I feel like shouting for joy. Laughing for joy. Crying for joy. Dancing for joy. Living for joy. Joy feels like a hot warm shower. Joy smells like my stinky son after a day of playing really hard.Joy tastes like my favorite chocolate cookies, Joy is laughter from me and in me and around me. Joy is feeling and believing there is something much more in life than what is given. Joy is the moment I fall on my knees and cry out to my Savior. Joy. 

So, in the spirit of Joy, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas filled with joy, peace, grace, mercy and love.

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Pain and Suffering

There are parts of me who hold onto the pain and suffering so tightly. Do you see? The wounds are still present in my life. Living is as a survivor of such pain and suffering for so long I grow to desire the to taste the hatred and bitterness that it leaves in my mouth. They are my battle wounds. This pain and suffering are me.

To feel life without pain and suffering is hard for me to recall at this moment.

Right now…I have only glimmers of what life is like when I feel no more pain or suffering. The images are only what I can pretend…at least in times like today. I can hear my Healer calling for me. Giving Him what is left of me. Breathing life back into the death inside of my heart. Falling into His arms open wide. I imagine it singing “when I finally make it home,” and I sink into the arms of my Creator and just meld into Him like my son holding onto me this morning. I imagine the pain and suffering leaving my body completely. Hear Him say, “its over now.” Then I say, “I am alive.” The pain and suffering no longer present. I am then able to live in total light of His glory.

If I dig deep, I can pull out joy. A joy that is lived here and now–not imagined only after death. Joy are the moments I live. The look into my brown-eyed son, with his fuzzy-faced cheeks and smile looking up at me. Joy is breathing in the smell of my son…remembering the sound of his first cry at birth and Tien’s constant laughter when all he wants is a happy Mom.

He is the reason I try and get happy. No happy pills involved. Just digging through the shit I call pain and suffering, and some how I might find that those old ways of coping are not useful right now. Maybe I’ll find more joy in my life and live happier moments because I CAN.

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Healing

Since writing my last post about hearing feedback about my high school teacher Dr Skulas telling authorities about the abuse I had went through, I was assuming I was going to enter some miraculous place of healing and find a deeper sense of healing at a greater rate. Why? Because maybe that part of me who wasn’t heard can finally know she was. That part of me probably does find a place of healing that wasn’t there.

In the grand scheme of things, I am working towards giving a platform for each part of me to speak, be heard and move forward. Maybe a part of me won’t lag behind the others? All I know is I want healing in the parts of me who still hurt.

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The Message

Nov 1, 10:23 pm

Recently, I received a message by someone who spoke on Dr. Skulas’ behalf.  This person posted the following:

“In your blog, you said Dr. Skulas did nothing. She reported your situation to the authorities. After that referral, she was not permitted to interfere while they investigated. They determined what official action to take.
Your comments are unfair to Dr. Skulas who deeply cared about her students.”

I responded, “I only could see what I saw through my eyes. As a child, I was not privee to that information. All I knew of was I was being abused and I poured my heart out to someone I thought could help me. Now I know Dr Skulas heard me and did something. For that, I am grateful.”

The original post was from my other blog. You can find it here at this link.

http://lillylovestien.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/the-god-honest-truth/

As a child, I wanted someone to protect me. Now, I know Dr Skulas actually did. Thank you Dr Skulas. Thank you for letting me be. Thank you for allowing me to tell you my story. Thank you for hearing me. As you can see Dr Skulas, I am still dealing with the trauma that happened all these years since it happened.

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Something New!

This has been a very long time for me to even get to post here on my blog. I started working fulltime. Yay! I have moved into our own apartment. Double Yay! I have been soaring! Triple Yay! I wish I had more time to post other good stuff. I have so much to say about the hope in my life. What a gift life is.

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My Life Today

What does it mean to have our strength renewed like the eagle’s? Eagle’s aren’t particularly strong except in flight, and in their ability to soar high in the sky. When we ask God to gives us an eagle’s strength, we are asking for the faith and trust that helps us soar above life’s daily struggles. For we can only leave behind the tendency to sink into the mire of doubt and misgivings by rising above them. Amy Gracey

My life today is this kind of beauty.

In my inability to soar on my own will, I have given that hope up and found the strength and security to soar higher than I ever dreamed possible. I feel thankful in good times and bad because I know where to seek solace and place my hope. My weakness is made perfect in His strength (2 Corinthians 12:9). I find ways to look forward when all directions seem to try and pull me downward.

There is beauty in my weakness.

I can come boldly to the throne of grace, so that I can obtain mercy and grace to help in time of need (Hebrew 4:16). I can come to Jesus’ feet and bow humbly any time night or day. I know there He will hear me. If I suffer, this is God’s will for me. In it I will find His story for my life–a way to speak to others about how in my weakness I have seen the miracles of plucking me up from the mire of doubt and misgivings and rising above on eagle’s wings. I am no longer ashamed about what I have gone through to survive. I will let my bulldozed pathway to Him glorify His name (1 Peter 4:16).

Finding that place of restoration.

The process entails acknowledging failure, an unequivocal commitment to turning away from offending behavior, accepting Christ as justification, and loving discipline. The genuineness of your heart’s cry is what matters in the process of restoration. I have found it the hardest part of living my life for Christ. Even as I write now, I can hear the pain of submission ringing in my ear loudly (Hebrews 12:11). The scream is one I sometimes yell out in desperation of needing to quell my unbearable pain and frustration. This is where my Savior rescues me. He quells my cries as I fall prostrate. The tears fall. In all of my brokenness, I submit and He grieves alongside of me, as I accept His will for mine. I learn through those moments the discipline of growing faith.

Why it must happen: God disciplines His children.

The basis Biblical discipline comes from Hebrews 12:4-11

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Biblical discipline is to deter destruction. There is consequences for our actions and refusal to heed warnings because God wants us to find Him in all that we do. If we stray, He wants us to come back to Him. This motive is an expression of love for us. I see the way I parent my son is the same way God parents me–out of love and concern for me. Through discipline I learn obedience. I learn to obey His commands and grow in my faith. I learn to accept hardship and pain as a pathway to rejoicing in heavenly rewards. Biblical discipline is God’s way of showing me the open arms of a heavenly Father welcoming a child who has gone astray after that child realizes how foolish it was to not heed His warnings and living out the consequences of his/her choice.

What is gained?

In the words offered up by concluding Amy Gracey’s article on spiritual renewal,

The ability to know life offers us so many different opportunities. I have the power to choose. But God has the power to renew. In my journey, I should remember Psalm 103. For it reminds me that if I look to the Lord for my strength, I can hope to keep my eyes fixed on what is above.

For all I lose, I gain eternity.

“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” ~Matthew 10:39

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His Story for Me

I am planning to tell my narrative and I have completed a timeline of sorts.

It Happened Like This

The Year was 1975

  • I was born
  • Viet Nam war ended
  • Steelers defeated Vikings
  • Unemployment was 8.5%
  • Federal Debt $541.9 Billion US Dollars
  • President Ford escapes assassination
  • Average price of gas $0.67 per gallon

As A Child

  • I remember wearing halter tops and lime green short-shorts
  • I loved willow trees, swinging, and climbing trees
  • Rode in the back of our family’s station wagon on our way to church (or even in another family’s car)
  • Moving cross country a couple of times
  • Twenty-Mule Team Road
  • Oscar my childhood abuser came into my life…the man next door

My Hopes and Dreams as a Child

  • I wanted to be just like my third grade teacher Mrs Farrell–pregnant and loving and a third grade teacher

As A Teenager

  • More moving than staying
  • Different school and no steady friends
  • Abuse got really bad
  • Everyone is so not me
  • Needing to be saved
  • Looks good from the outside
  • I want what they have–a glimpse of joy
  • He was right…my family doesn’t love me
  • No where to go
  • Abandoned by my family
  • Into the arms of my abuser

Leaving Oscar

  • With a can opener and no where to go I am gone
  • Who can I trust
  • Bottom of the pit? Not yet.

Life after Oscar

  • David–someone who loves me and never will he move
  • Marriage–not for me
  • Babies
  • Heartache

When Life Began and Ended

  • His will not mine
  • A blessed no longer barren womb
  • Cancer
  • What I Dreamed for Us (Tien and me)
  • Life isn’t meant to be hurt

Broken

  • 3 Days
  • In the system
  • Coming Back
  • To lose your life but have hope of another born
  • Happy Valentine’s Day

The Plan

  • Surgery
  • Brakes, tires and on our journey’s way

Hope Found

  • I Can See It
  • Coming to Terms
  • Not condemned
  • Lead Me
  • Learning to Soar
  • On Eagle’s Wings
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