Lillie's Diary

Relieving My Solar Plexus

Lilly — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:58:32 +0000

“Rather than learning how to be tolerant of difficult feelings, many of us have learned only to avoid them… our inclination is often to run from our emotions because they carry with them the threat of destruction. Indulging ourselves in thinking as a protective alternative, we try to avoid our fear by staying aloof of our feelings.” ~Mark Epstein, M.D. excerpt from Going to Pieces without Falling Apart

In the last post, I had photos of women who were naked. Their nakedness represented the revealing nature of where I am today emotionally. I stripped away the self-disgust and fear. In my nakedness, I found I needed a way to ground myself in who I am in this moment.

[Fernando Ortega "Give Me Jesus" a Tribute Ruth Graham]

Not only was I naked, I was yearning to desire something more than myself.

That is when I finally found hope–for that moment…every moment I have lived since. I also found a quote from an unknown author that reads, “Never deprive someone of hope… it may be all they have.”

Sometimes I am left emotionally raw. My solar plexus aching. My heart hurting. So much so that I don’t want to feel what I am feeling. In the past I had used self-destructive ways of coping, but having learned some DBT Skills and grown in my emotional intelligence I am finding appropriate ways to express what I feel…hopefully more than 85% of the time is my goal.

I’m learning how to take care of me along the way. One thing I remembered about doing acupuncture is that my solar plexus didn’t ache as badly as it did.

I was part of a mindfulness-based stress reduction study for adult female survivors of child sexual abuse. In this study, there were three groups–a placebo, meditation and acupuncture, and acupuncture. I was in the one that just did acupuncture. I would come in twice a week and get 15 minutes of acupuncture; on different days, I would get my backside or front side done using various points and meridians like the ones above. I’ll never forget the physical sensation I got when the acupuncturist placed Ste and Sol in. The physical sensation I got was like bad energy getting unglued and shooting upwards and downwards haphazardly between the sites. I remember frantically looking at the acupuncturist as if she was doing something wrong. I even felt so weirded out that I told her what was happening, and she said that the bad energy (in not so many words) getting unstuck. In days I began noticing changes physically and emotionally. I got my menstrual cycle regularly and I became less depressed. These were great results from my experience in the study, and when the study was completed within two weeks my psychological symptoms returned–just like they said it would.

[My son's feet when he was about two years old.]

I can’t afford acupuncture right now. I am left being creative about how to relieve solar plexus pain. I was motivated to reblog about my solar plexus seeing many people every day go to my other solar plexus post. I started searching the web and found someone’s blog about sole work. While I was reading, I physically began feeling me rubbing the ball of my foot on the corner of the computer chair.

[On the feet, it can be found if you draw an imaginary line from the second toe down, below the ball of the foot, right within that hollow. It can also be found if you gently squeeze the top of the foot inward. You should find a “little dimple space”- that’s the solar plexus point.]

So let me get to the point, literally.

Naked I found desire. Desire I found hope. Hope I found feeling.

Feeling I found a way to take care of myself.

Freed

Lilly — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 06:17:54 +0000

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. “~Hippocrates

I think I am finally able to begin a journey on radically accepting my undefinedness.

I am sick of filling up on thoughts of self-disgust.

Setting aside what you see, I hope you’ll wonder if “It’s the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my

teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet.”~Maya Angelou

Even though you’ll probably never hear me roar.

Hopefully you will have seen me fervently embracing life.

Prison

Lilly — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 02:33:40 +0000

The Brooklyn Tabernacle singing “I Bless Your Name”

I so needed to sing along to “I Bless Your Name.” My mind has been like a prison for me. I couldn’t wrap my head around a lot of things happening in my life, and, to say the least, I have had an incredibly hard time coping over the holidays. I have been trying to not talk or write about what I have been experiencing inside because I wanted to tell God everything and anything. I wanted Him to hear my words, hear my cries and see me praise Him in spite of what is happening. That has been a struggle like you wouldn’t even begin to understand.

I think it stems from me being a survivor of child sexual abuse. The affects of the abuse carry with me to this day. My words not be heard as a child repeatedly made me feel like speaking up for myself never mattered to anyone and everyone. I stopped telling. I stopped believing I mattered. I just wanted life to be easier, so I did what I had to do in order to survive. My voice died out.

I’m trying to find my voice again.

There are days that are good. On those days, I find strength in who I am today because of Christ. Then, there are days when I struggle to see any good from me. That is when I see myself as that little girl who was hurt and so badly wounded and felt so bad. I absolutely hate myself on those day. I flat out find myself so disgusting and want nothing more than to hurt myself.

When things go wrong in life. Wait. When things happen in my life that are hard to wrap my mind about, I end up falling back into the thinking patterns of someone unable to cope. Day to day happenings become one more thing to have to deal with. My fight or flight is thrown into full gear, and I believe I may have cognitive distortions. Let me back up. I know I have many cognitive distortions.

Those cognitive distortions make me feel like I have a prison in my mind and there is no way escaping what is going on. The prison is my mind makes me believe that even God would be distressed to help me out. Ain’t that a lie the devil wants me to believe in?

So, what’s been happening in my life that distresses me? Being told I don’t have uterine cancer but another form and need to get biopsies done. So much for making my 6 month cancer-free post-surgery. ”You need to line up care for your child because you might need to get treatments.” Or, how about this one, you must have quit because you haven’t showed up for your job. So, I have been job-less since December 9th. No job = no money. No money means I had to use all of my savings in order to provide our basic necessities. I don’t have the money I need to pay for the modified rent we are charged to live in the safe house I am in.

You might think, “What have you been doing? Sitting on your arse?”

NO.

Instead of mopping around in my depressed state, I have been putting in applications to fast-food restaurants and to ideal career situations. Matter a fact, tomorrow I have an interview. I have also been trying to effectively cope. I have been trying to tell God instead of the world out here that I am having a hard time, and I just need some way to make me not feel like I am a worthless piece of trash that can be easily discarded. I have been trying to find reasons to feel blessed. I thought that if I set SMART goals for this year I would find baby steps in actualizing some of my dreams for my son and me this year.

You want to hear something funny?

It took me singing “I Bless Your Name,” for me to let out the cries of my heart pour out. Read the lyrics below or sing along when you can while listening to The Brooklyn Tabernacle singing, “I Bless Your Name.”

Here are the lyrics…

In prisoner’s chains with bleeding stripes
Paul and Silas prayed that night
And in their pain began to see
Their chains were loosed and they were free

I bless your name
I bless your name
I give you honor, give you praise
You are the life, the truth, the way
I bless your name

Some midnight hour if you should find
You’re in a prison of your mind
Reach out praise, defy those chains
And they will fall in Jesus’ name

I bless your name
I bless your name
I give you honor, give you praise
You are the life, the truth, the way
I bless your name