The splendor of the rose and the whitness of the lily
do not rob
the little violet of it’s scent nor the daisy
of its simple charm.
If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose,
spring would lose its lovliness.
~Therese Lisieux
About Lillie…
She is someone who loves deeply and passionately. She is someone who has overcome a lot of strife in life, but has been leaning upon her Rock and Foundation and Savior to lead her through the good and bad times. Lillie is a mother of one child, who turned six-years-old. Her son is the apple of her eye.
About This Blog…
This blog serves as a way to photo journal what happens in Lillie’s every day. She writes about the joys she has been able to experience, the hurt she has endured and about the journey as a thriver. This blog helps her communicate in ways spoken words cannot justify.
Glad to see you’re not where you were before. Or not where you are now. I mean . . . Oh well.
You know what I mean.
Good insight. thanks for sharing. The materials you focus on tell a lot about you.
read you later.
michael j
Hey Lillie,
I am glad that you have put aside all of your activities and focus your energy only on getting better. I hope you get better!
Warm regards,
Shkumbin Llullaku
I happened across your blog. You sound so much like my daughter..she is 23. Borderline is tough, but focus on getting well and you can. Also, remember that meds can make it difficult to feel the Holy Spirit. Sometimes the meds can even make things worse. However, the right meds are definitely important and needed. If you have someone close to you that can tell you if they see negative changes in you, listen. Even though your gut borderline reaction is to be hurt and angry at them, write down what they say and add it to your daily diary. The reason I say this is that those who are close will notice things you might not that are actually related to the meds. Then the Dr. can know if a change in meds is needed. My daughter had 3 suicide attempts in the past 2 months and the last two were more related to taking the wrong meds.
Also, don’t let go of your faith. Hang on to all the things that keep the Spirit with you even if you can’t feel so and may feel doubt at times.
I’m sure you are an amazing young woman…stay strong ;o)
Thank you Kathi for your comment. I honestly try with all of my heart to keep the perspective of the reason I live…my son and the message of love I have been given. I think I was overly excited the other day when I got the prescription of Lorazepam because I was looking for an immediate relief to the panic attack I had. I was told to not use them unless absolutely necessary. I truly believe, as you do, that the Holy Spirit can and will work through me. I just have to let Him. I researched some medicines commonly used for people diagnosed with BPD, and I will review them with my psychiatrist to see if there is a better fit than the ones I am taking. I’ve begun to see my family as huge strengths. I see they are at times a little afraid of my reactions, but since I’ve began getting more skillful I am less likely to feel like I am attacked or angered. I will definitely take what happens and note it in my journal. This is a great suggestion. As my counselor encourages me to remember that I must fill my heart and mind with things heavenly rather than ruminate the past. Today is worth living. I am also sorry that your daughter has had repeated suicide attempts. In the despair, suicide seems so right, but even if her wounds are superficial she isn’t intending suicide to be her finality. I firmly believe this. I have found in my personal experiences that when I am emotionally pained to an extent I find intolerable I will scratch (self-harm) myself until my pain is redirected. May the days get easier for you and yours….
Hi Lillie,
I am Kathi’s daughter :) My mom just told me about your blog so I thought I would stop by and say hi. I too struggle with depression and BPD, and I just started my own blog to document my journey towards full recovery. It is good to know that I am not alone in this process. I, too, am solely focusing on getting healthy again. I was also working full-time and was involved in a lot of activities, but now my priority is therapy and developing better coping skills. I also experienced sexual abuse as a child, and I am finally getting the help I need to deal with it and overcome its effects on my self-image.
As far as medication goes, it’s very much “trial and error.” I’ve been on Seroquel and Lexapro for the last two weeks, and so far it is going well (though an adjustment). It’s still a little early to judge its true effectiveness, but my self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts have decreased significantly. Now it’s just a matter of learning how to live life again. Even getting out of bed and taking a shower is a challenge. Depression is a real, serious thing, and compounded with BPD and an eating disorder, it’s practically debilitating. But I am getting a little better each day, and I foresee my blog as being a huge part of my recovery by providing me with extra motivation and an outlet for self-expression.
I know it takes courage and strength to write about the things you are experiencing, and I admire you for that. I plan to peruse the rest of your posts, and will be looking for updates. Feel free to visit my blog as well. Stay strong… and God bless you.
Hi Eddejae…I really do appreciate your responding to your Mom’s telling about my blog. I was quite worried in the beginning when I first broke wind I am diagnosed with BPD. Now, I am not looking at the stigma of that label but the possibility to reach out to others about how living with BPD looks in my life. I am not working currently either…though I am in DBT now. I have the DBT Skills class on Tuesdays and Individual DBT counseling on Thursdays. I also go to my art studio on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Using art as an expression is quite a way to communicate some things on my heart. I understand about having been abused as a child. I, too, am a survivor. I am sorry that you had to experience those types of horrors. Its not easy to feel validated when it seems like the whole world would rather be, “hush hush” about speaking out and actually being heard. I hear. I am looking forward in doing EMDR after DBT. EMDR is quite helpful in children, but can work with adults too. It just takes a little more time. I thank you for your courage to speak out about being diagnosed borderline and depression. I have BPD, PTSD and anxiety…some doctors have even said I have dissociative disorder too, but this falls in with the borderline diagnosis too. I’ve been researching medications. I am currently using lamictal and zoloft….plus ativan for extreme panic attacks. I feel honored to read you admire me. I am no one special. I wish you lots of courage to face what life brings you this moment and many more….
Thanks Lillie. You too.
Curious… what is EMDR?
EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and response. EMDR is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.
During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is “dual stimulation” using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set.
What I believe that means is that the lights used for “tapping” come soothing to one’s being able to process information/events/past trauma. I am guessing it is like when a mother soothes a child, the mother calmly pats the child’s butt/back until the baby falls asleep/calms down. I am almost certain this is what EMDR does, but uses light to help process events/information/past trauma in an integrative way so the stimuli is no longer so painful or great to work in and through.
I can be totally wrong. Honestly. Part of those paragraphs were a copy/paste from some website. I hope this helps you find out more about EMDR. :O)
You got me looking at your blog links. Visited Miss “Vomit” and let Love fly her a kite.
Thanks for the guide.
You know, that’s what Buddha called himself on the day that he died. “we’re all guides,” and urged us all to work out our own salvations. Or something like that.
Thanks for being the guiding light.
michael j
Thanks for looking around on at the links! I didn’t know that about Buddha, at all. My Mom is a Shinto Buddhist, but I am not too aware of the teachings, honestly. I’ll take “guide” as a positive. Prepare yourself people!
Hello! Very interesting site! I’m really like it! Very, very good!