Prison

The Brooklyn Tabernacle singing “I Bless Your Name”

     I so needed to sing along to “I Bless Your Name.” My mind has been like a prison for me. I couldn’t wrap my head around a lot of things happening in my life, and, to say the least, I have had an incredibly hard time coping over the holidays. I have been trying to not talk or write about what I have been experiencing inside because I wanted to tell God everything and anything. I wanted Him to hear my words, hear my cries and see me praise Him in spite of what is happening. That has been a struggle like you wouldn’t even begin to understand.

     I think it stems from me being a survivor of child sexual abuse. The affects of the abuse carry with me to this day. My words not be heard as a child repeatedly made me feel like speaking up for myself never mattered to anyone and everyone. I stopped telling. I stopped believing I mattered. I just wanted life to be easier, so I did what I had to do in order to survive. My voice died out.

     I’m trying to find my voice again.

     There are days that are good. On those days, I find strength in who I am today because of Christ. Then, there are days when I struggle to see any good from me. That is when I see myself as that little girl who was hurt and so badly wounded and felt so bad. I absolutely hate myself on those day. I flat out find myself so disgusting and want nothing more than to hurt myself.

    When things go wrong in life. Wait. When things happen in my life that are hard to wrap my mind about, I end up falling back into the thinking patterns of someone unable to cope. Day to day happenings become one more thing to have to deal with. My fight or flight is thrown into full gear, and I believe I may have cognitive distortions. Let me back up. I know I have many cognitive distortions.

    Those cognitive distortions make me feel like I have a prison in my mind and there is no way escaping what is going on. The prison is my mind makes me believe that even God would be distressed to help me out. Ain’t that a lie the devil wants me to believe in?

     So, what’s been happening in my life that distresses me? Being told I don’t have uterine cancer but another form and need to get biopsies done. So much for making my 6 month cancer-free post-surgery.  “You need to line up care for your child because you might need to get treatments.” Or, how about this one, you must have quit because you haven’t showed up for your job. So, I have been job-less since December 9th. No job = no money. No money means I had to use all of my savings in order to provide our basic necessities. I don’t have the money I need to pay for the modified rent we are charged to live in the safe house I am in.

     You might think, “What have you been doing? Sitting on your arse?”

     NO.

     Instead of mopping around in my depressed state, I have been putting in applications to fast-food restaurants and to ideal career situations. Matter a fact, tomorrow I have an interview. I have also been trying to effectively cope. I have been trying to tell God instead of the world out here that I am having a hard time, and I just need some way to make me not feel like I am a worthless piece of trash that can be easily discarded. I have been trying to find reasons to feel blessed. I thought that if I set SMART goals for this year I would find baby steps in actualizing some of my dreams for my son and me this year.

     You want to hear something funny?

     It took me singing “I Bless Your Name,” for me to let out the cries of my heart pour out. Read the lyrics below or sing along when you can while listening to The Brooklyn Tabernacle singing, “I Bless Your Name.”

Here are the lyrics…

In prisoner’s chains with bleeding stripes 
Paul and Silas prayed that night 
And in their pain began to see 
Their chains were loosed and they were free 

I bless your name 
I bless your name 
I give you honor, give you praise 
You are the life, the truth, the way 
I bless your name 

Some midnight hour if you should find 
You’re in a prison of your mind 
Reach out praise, defy those chains 
And they will fall in Jesus’ name 

I bless your name 
I bless your name 
I give you honor, give you praise 
You are the life, the truth, the way 
I bless your name

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3 thoughts on “Prison

  1. Dear Lilly, you remind me so much of myself at that place in my life. We keep pushing forward and moving on because we don’t know how to do anything else and we refuse to be defeated. Keep going sweetheart. I pray for you and your son every week. Do not give up.

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