I’ve often wondered, if confronted with the prospect of my own willingness to change, would I be able to change the pervasiveness of hurt and pain in my life.
I have been reading for the last four hours about stories like me, and, to be honest, I am scared of the truth and afraid of the next step.
I’ve had over 30 years of pain….30 years of loneliness, always trying to be what others wished me to be. A shadow among those I love. All I am now is a woman who finds ways to love others just not myself. I eat my feelings so frequently that I call myself an emotional eater. I feel alone even when in a room full of people. I have problems trusting others. I hurt those around me by my words or fits of anger. I often think of how it must be better for the ones I love if I commit suicide rather than cause them emotional turmoil. I believe that I am unlovable deep down because this is what I was told and showed through the manipulation of the one who abused me. I believe I don’t have the proper attachment to build a life on mutual respect, love, honor or, even, trust.
How can I can begin to heal and actually be who God has destined me to be…more than I am now.
Its true what they say that suicide is never the answer. It causes other people so much pain, even the worse one that you are feeling right now. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, even if it doesn’t seem like temporary right now – it is. Everything in this world passes. My advice about healing is to start from inside yourself, take responsibility for yourself. There is always a buffer between your inner self and external abuse, only you have a freedom to decide what happens inside that buffer that is a freedom that can not be taken away, no matter where you are – even if you are sitting in a concentration camp, your mind and your feelings are yours.